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Sketches for a sketch evening

Page 2

Chainsaw

A man comes into a shop and wants to buy a chainsaw. „I have sawn so much wood that my old chainsaw has given up the ghost. I really need a new saw.“ Salesman: „You are lucky. Have just got some new saw in which are twice as fast and can saw three times more wood and the best thing is; one saw only costs 100€.“ „That sounds good. I’ll take one!“ The customer leaves. He comes again the next day. „Hey, there’s something wrong with this saw. I could only saw half as much wood. Even my conked out old saw can manage more!“ The salesman says: „That doesn’t sound good. Ok, I’ll exchange the saw for a new one.“ Said and done, but the customer comes again the next day and reports of the same problem with the new saw: „I do not understand. Can I try it out myself?“ “Of course, here is the saw” and the customer gives him the saw. The salesman starts up the chainsaw and a loud motor noise sounds. The customer is almost scared to death: „My goodness, what in world makes such a racket?“
Climbing artist

Boy: „Hello, I have finally completed my climbing course. Look, here is the certificate. Now I can climb up everything“. Friend: „Can you climb up this tree?“ “No problem!” Friend: “What is with this cliff?” “No problem either, I have already been up it once!” Friend: “And Mount Everest?” “I’ve already been there as well. It only took one day!” The friend is very impressed and then says: “Should we make a bet that I have a climbing challenge which you cannot manage?” „Ok, we’ll bet 100€! “

The friend pulls a torch out of his trousers pocket and lights up the sky and says: „Can you climb up that?“ „Are you mad? I won’t do it!“ The friend: “Didn’t I say that you cannot do it? Now I have won the bet!“ The boy replies: „Obviously I can climb up there, but I am not crazy. Half way up you would switch the light off and I would fall!“

An Indian in the city

Yellow Eagle is in the big city for the very first time. In a shop, he sees an computer which claims to know everything. Yellow Eagle tests the computer out by asking it a few questions: What is my name? Where do I come from? Who am I? When does my last train leave? The computer buzzes , snorts and spits the answers out: "You are called Yellow Eagle. You come from Delaware. You are a Sioux Indian. You last train leaves at 19.39." Yellow Eagle is impressed but guesses: The thing recognised me by my dialect and how I look! In the evening yellow Eagle comes back to the train station, this time he is dressed up like a real American cowboy. He asks the computer the exact same questions, this time in American slang. The computer buzzes, snorts and spits out the same answer cards: "Your name is Yellow Eagle, you come from Delaware. You are a Sioux Indian and you have just missed your last train."
Suicide

Person 1 comes and introduces himself to the audience: „I have been a reporter for 12 years and in all of these years, I have never had a hot story. I am a failure. I am now going to kill myself by jumping over this bridge. One, two,..“. A passer-by comes along: „Halt, stop. Why do you want to jump?” “I am a failure!” Passer-by: “ I am a footballer but I haven’t scored a goal in over two years. I’ll jump with you! One, two,..!“

Another passer-by comes along: “Halt, stop. Why do you want to jump?“ Both of him tell him their stories. The passer-by: „And I am a teacher. I can’t stand children anymore. They make me crazy. I’ll jump as well! One. two,…” Another person comes along: “Halt, stop. Why do you want to jump?“ All of them tell him their stories. The last passer-by: „And I am a camp leader and I hate camping. I’ll jump as well.“ All of them stand on the railings and jump – except the reporter. He then says: „What a story. 3 people jump together into death!“, and runs away while writing his story in a notebook.
The control at the factory gate

The company boss says to his new security guard: „I have employed you because the number of thefts has been increasing in recent times. Everyone has to leave through this gate, this means that it is your job to check that no-one takes anything with them out of the company premises. Have you understood!“ „Of course, boss!“ The very next day, the guard starts his shift. The first employee wants to leave the premises with a box under his arm. „Stop, what have you got in the box?“ The employee: „What do you mean? In this box?“ Guard: „Yes, what is in the box?“ The employee replies to him: „Nothing this box is empty. Take a look for yourself!“ The guard looks into the empty box and says: „Ok, everything is fine… and have a nice evening!“ The same procedure is repeated with lots of others who also want to leave through the gate this an empty box under their arm. At some point the company boss runs over. „What are you doing, man? You’ve hardly been here and the losses have become even more!“ „But, boss. I check everyone who wants to leave, but none of them have anything in the boxes!“ The boss: „I know, but we produce the boxes!“
The secret of the fisherman

4 fishermen are sitting next to each other, another fisherman sits a little distance away. The 4 fishermen do not seem to be catching anything while the one who is sitting alone is angling in one fish after the other. The first fisherman goes up to the man and asks: „How do you do that? I sit here all day long and don’t catch anything and you catch one fish after the other.“ The fisherman mumbles something with a closed mouth. „What did you say? I can’t understand anything!“. The fisherman mumbles something again which cannot be understood. The first fisherman goes back to his pals and says: „He seems to be a bit strange. I couldn’t understand him!“

Soon the next fisherman goes to the man to ask him his secret. He experiences the same unsuccessful procedure. Finally the last fisherman goes up to the man to ask him his secret. The fisherman grumbles something again. The fisherman gives the man a friendly pat on the back and he seems to swallow something then suddenly becomes quite ill. The secretive fisherman opens his mouth and says loudly and clearly: „I said – you have to keep the worms warm in your mouth!“
Washing socks

A pot is standing on the table. The first person comes in and pours some of the fluid into a beaker. „Hmm, this tea tastes awful!“. The person leaves again. The next person comes in and pours himself something to drink. „Bah, what a brew. The coffee is simply undrinkable!“ The person goes again. The next person comes and pours himself a drink. „Yuck. Should that be chocolate? It’s simply terrible!” The person leaves again. The next person comes in, goes to the pot, takes some socks out and says: „Aaah at last. My socks are clean again!“
On the connection

An ill man lies in bed. The doctor comes to visit and looks at the report, which is hanging on the bed. Doctor: „It looks good. The patient seems to be on his way to recovery.“ At this point the patient wakes up and waves his arms around wildly while trying to breathe. The doctor: „What is wrong?“ Do you need something?“ The patient shakes his head. The doctor: „Do you need medication?“ The patient shakes his head. The doctor: „Are you having a heart attack?“ The patient shakes his head and motions that he needs something to write with. The doctor: „You want something to write with?“ The man nods weakly. The doctor gives him a piece of paper and a pen. The patient writes something on a piece of paper and gives it to the doctor. The doctor reads the message: „You are standing on my oxygen pipe!“
Tracks in the snow

This sketch is well suited to a camp fire. The first person goes away for a short while and says: “How would you like a nice roast? I’ll go and shoot a rabbit.“ After a little while he comes back and holds a rabbit up. Another person asks: „How did you manage that so quickly?“ He replies: I followed the tracks!“

This carries on two or three rounds further with a deer, wild boar etc. The last one then says: „Hey I feel like eating a squirrel. I’ll go and shoot one.“ After a while he comes back. He is limping, has ripped clothes, a bandage around his head and comes crawling along. „What happened?“ the others ask. He replies: „I only followed the tracks and along came a train!“
The hair in the hamburger

In a restaurant, a customer orders a hamburger and a cola. The hamburger and cola is brought to him after a little while. The customer bites into the burger and notices: „Iccckkk, there is a hair in my burger!“ he calls the waiter over to tell him. The waiter takes the burger away and brings him a new one. However he finds another hair in the second burger. The customer says to the waiter: „I want to talk to the chef straight away,!“ The chef comes in and says: „What is the problem?“ The customer says to the chef: „Can’t you make a burger? There is a hair in every burger!“ The chef replies: „Obviously. I always make my burgers in the same way. Take a look!“ He takes a lump of mince, rolls it into a round lump, places it under his armpit and pushes it together so that the mince is flat.
Lively hairspray

A hare hops across the path and is run over by a boy on a bike. The hare lies on the path dying. The boy on the bike is very sorry. A driver comes along and asks what is wrong. The boy says: „This poor hare. I have ran him over and he is dying. There’s no hope for him!“ The driver replies: „but that is no problem. I have something in my car which will help. My wife left it in the car. Give it a go!“ The driver gives him some hairspray. The boy sprays the hare. The hare jumps up and hops away happily.

The boy to the driver: „Hey, that is great stuff. What is it?“ The driver replies: „Hair freshener - it revives lifeless hair and gives the hair a permanent lively freshness!“
Letter from home

On a camp (or boarding school) 2 kids are talking about the letters which they have received from home. „It is brilliant receiving letters from home!“. „Yes, you’re right there. I have received a letter from my mother today“. „Me too. My mother wrote that she had written the letter very slowly because she knows that I cannot read very quickly.” „My mother wrote that my father has a new job and is now above 500 people. He is the gardener in the town graveyard“. „And my mother wrote that I would never recognise the house again. They have moved house.“

„Oh, she also writes that our neighbour has become a pig breeder. My mother got wind of it first thing this morning.“ „Hmm, my mother is not feeling too well. She has had her appendix removed and has received a new hosepipe“. „Hey, my sister has had a baby but my mother doesn’t know if I have become an auntie or an uncle because she doesn’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.“

„Oh no, there is a P.S. at the end of the letter. My mother writes that she really wanted to send me 20€ but the envelope was already closed!“.
„Isn’t it great to know that everything’s the same at home?“ „You’re right there.“
At the cinema

In a row of stools the outside seats are empty, all of the seats between are taken. A boy comes into the cinema with his girlfriend and unfortunately they have to sit separated. After a while, the boy turns to his neighbour, gives him the bucket of popcorn and says: „Psst, ask her if she wants some popcorn!“ the neighbour passes the bucket of popcorn along the row and repeats the question. The girl replies: „Oh yes, thank you!“, and takes the popcorn. A little while later, the boy turns to his neighbour, gives him a cola bottle and says: „Psst, ask her if she wants something to drink!“. the bottle and the question goes along the row. The girls replies: „Oh yes, thank you!“, and takes the bottle. A little while later again, the boy turns to his neighbour and says: „Ask her if she wants to marry me!“ The question is passed from neighbour to neighbour. The girl replies: „Oh yes!“ and falls around the neck of the last neighbour.
Blind Horse

A child, the rider, sits on the back of another child (horse). A third person comes up to the horse and cart and says: „Hey, I have never seen such a wonderful and beautiful horse in my life!.

What does such a horse cost?“ The rider on the horse says: „Why, do you want to buy my horse? It doesn’t look so great!“ the horse buyer says: „Oh yes it is. The horse looks great! Here is 5000€“. The horse owner says: „No, no. the horse doesn’t look good!“. „You scallywag! Here is 10000€, it’s my final offer!“ „Ok!” says the rider, climbs down from the horse and takes the money. The horse runs off with its new owner and runs straight into an obstacle. The new owner comes back and says: „Hey wait up. You have sold me a blind horse!“ „That’s what I said. My horse doesn’t look too good!“
Brushing teeth

The members of the group all stand next each other and clean their teeth with a toothbrush. One group member explains to the audience that the camp leaders have told them to save water. Then the first group member in the row takes a mouth full of water from a beaker, rinses his mouth and then pretends to spit it into his neighbour’s ear and then says: „Oh how refreshing!“ It goes on from one player to the next down the line. The last one in the row (who already had some water in his mouth) receives the pretend water in his ear, rinses his mouth out and spits the water onto the floor.
Jumped over the cliff

A boy is standing on a high cliff and is staring downwards. He counts: „ 25, 25, 25, …“ A man comes past and says: „Be careful, my boy. What are you doing there?“ the boy replies: „Have a look, 25 are already down!“. The man bends down and peers over the cliff: „25 what? Where? I don’t see anything!” The boy gives him a little push so that the man falls over the cliff. The boy counts: „26, 26, 26, …“
Illegal Chicken Farm

A farmer has a chicken farm. A policeman and a vet from the health and safety come to check the business. The farmer is just feeding his chickens. Farmer: „butt, butt butt“ vet: „What are you doing there?“ „I am feeding my chickens!“ answers the farmer. „What are you feeding them then?“ „Corn“ replies the farmer. The policeman then says: „Don’t you know that there is a ban on feeding corn to chickens?“ That’s a year a prison“. The policeman leads the farmer away.

1 year later.

The farmer is feeding his chickens again: this time with salad. However that also seems to be banned because he lands behind bars for 2 years.

2 years later.

The farmer is feeding his chickens again and the policeman and vet come to check the business. In reply to the question about he now feeds his chickens with, he says: „bank notes, so that the chickens can buy their own food!“
The little green ball

A child seems to be looking for something. A passer-by comes along and asks: “What are you looking for then?“ „I have lost my little green ball. Do you want to help me look?“ “Of course, no problem. I’ll help you look.” More people join the search in the same way, who are all looking for the little green ball. At some point the child is resigned and says: „I don’t think we’ll find it again. I just make a new one.“ Said and done, he picks his nose and rolls the find into a new little green ball.
The lost penny

A child seems to be looking for something. A passer-by comes along and asks: “What are you looking for then?“ „I have lost my penny. Do you want to help me look?“ “Of course, no problem. I’ll help you look.” More people join the search in the same way, who are all looking for the lost penny. At some point one of the people asks the child: „Are you sure that you lost the penny here?“ The child replies: „No, I didn’t lose it here, but over there,“ and points to a distant spot. „An why are we all looking here?“ The little one replies: „Because there’s more light here!“