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Starting school and Granddad Hubert


  • Granddad
  • Grandson

Granddad Hubert comes in with his grandson (dressed as a girl)

Grandson: Man granddad – so many people. It’s totally embarrassing and not cool at all...
Granddad: Hush now and do what granddad Hubert tells you. Hello everyone. I have heard that the children are starting school today so granddad Hubert can’t miss that. Granddad Hubert can tell you all some amazing stories from days gone by...but where is the child who is looking forward to the fun beginning today.
Grandson: ...Right in front of you. I think you need a pair of glasses with a zoom lens.
Granddad: Ah, there you are. Where did you come from so quickly?...Obviously Granddad Hubert has brought something along for you. We got one of these when we started school – nothing has changed there. Here, granddad Hubert has a candy bag for you (bag with sugar in it). Ha ha.
Granddad: You’ve never seen such a wonderful candy bag, have you?
Grandson: Granddad, you are so embarrassing.
Granddad: Now that you are starting school, Granddad Hubert thought he would show what it’s all about. Granddad Hubert has brought someone along. Here – granddaughter. She has a few male traits but looks aren’t everything.
Grandson: I wouldn’t care either if I looked like you!
Granddad: In those days, Granddad Hubert was a nightmare for the teachers at school. All of the teachers were scared of Granddad Hubert. He played up so much that the teachers couldn’t sleep for weeks. You can believe Granddad Hubert, the tricks he played is what everyone remembers. Chemistry and maths and English; none of that is very important, my child. Granddad Hubert thought he would show you how to do a few tricks yourself. But you have to know one thing beforehand! The teacher is not your friend – he is your enemy. Ha ha, never forget that.
Grandson: You always have been paranoid...
Granddad: Granddad Hubert is the teacher now and you are my granddaughter

Lesson 1: never take your eyes off the teacher.

Grandson is sitting at his desk and writing an essay. Granddad is wandering around and suddenly bangs a wooden ruler on the desk. Grandson jumps. Granddad uses the ruler to measure the distance between the back rest/back and the edge of the table/lap.
Granddad: Stand up! (Grandson stands up) I have just determined major deviations between your seating position and the measurements stated in the school rulebook. The deviation is more than 3.1 cm! What is your punishment, boy?
Grandson: No idea. Homework?
Granddad: Wrong answer! 1. Learn to recite the rules in the school rulebook 2. 5 strokes and 3. No seat for the rest of the lesson. Hold your hand out boy!
Grandson: Are you mad Granddad? I am not going to let you hit me.
Granddad: Yes you're right. Granddad Hubert shouldn't really hit you. Granddad Hubert forgot that he was just playing a role. Did you see how horrible and evil teachers can be? Take note! Time to lesson 2: Never trust a teacher.

Grandson is painting a picture. Granddad comes and looks over his shoulder.
Granddad: Very nice, very good indeed. That must be the great Van Bach...
Grandson: (Whispers) he's called Van Gogh
Granddad: Uhh van Gogh must have painted. A work of art my boy.
Grandson: Thanks, do you really mean it?
Granddad: I mean that you are so good that you have to paint it again (takes the sheet and rips it up) (becomes louder) to see if you didn't cheat. Your big sister probably helped you with it. Paint that picture and again here and now, and not at home!!! You sneak - you think you can pull the wool over my eyes, don't you?...
Grandson: Granddad - that's enough now...
Granddad: Oh, yes. Granddad Hubert was so lost in his role again. But that's how cunning teachers can be. Keep your eyes open!
Grandson: Come on. Show us your tricks - I want to have a good laugh at you now.
Granddad: we'll do things differently. Granddad Hubert will now play a schoolboy and you will play the teacher. Granddad Hubert knows exactly how to play some tricks. Ha ha.
Grandson: But that isn't what we agreed on Granddad! You always pick the best.
Granddad: Only Granddad Hubert knows how to really scare the teachers. Come on, you play the school teacher. Go out of the room - it is still break time (Grandson leaves). The first thing Granddad Hubert will show you is a chewing gum trick. We had real chewing gum in those days. They were like yeast in your mouth and were as chewy as leather. Nowadays you have to use a whole pack to get the same sort of effect. (Throws chewing gum into his mouth and chews and chews) so, that must be enough. Now I'll stick this lump of chewing gum to the teacher's seat. That will be funny – ha ha (sticks the chewing gum to the stool and makes a bell sound)
Grandson comes in
Grandson: To your desks children!
Granddad: But teacher, don't you want to sit down first hee hee?
Grandson: No! Write down everything you know about Shakespeare!
Granddad: Then sit yourself down then I'll certainly have plenty to write ha ha.
Grandson: (Threatens with a ruler) don't turn around again before you're finished, understood?

Granddad quickly writes and laughs to himself while Grandson swaps the seats
Grandson: That's enough now. Sit down!
Granddad: Of course, but don't you want to sit down as well?

Grandson sits down and Granddad starts to laugh. As he sits, he notices that there is chewing gum on his seat.
Granddad: That always worked before. (To Grandson) come here and take a clip around the ear!

Grandson runs away and Granddad runs after him

Author: Thomas Baberowski

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