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The survival freak and the beach boys

(The survival freak (=SF) strays through the woods, equipped with pans, rucksack, Spades ...)

SF: Boy is it beautiful here. No stinky fumes, no car noise. It’s simply wonderful here. Simply following your nose, eh…I mean compass. It’s just a bit stupid that I have lost sight of the others. However this is no problem because I am fully equipped. (Claps his hands) It would be a joke if I didn’t make it back to base camp tomorrow.
Oh well, I’ll look around for a suitable place to sleep. The wide fir tree over there looks good. I can dig myself a great trough there.
(Puts down his rucksack, packs out his spade and starts digging)
What more could a man want? A trough like this is better than the softest water bed.
(Crawls into the sleeping bag and falls asleep)
Sign: The next morning
SF: Boy have I slept well, better than in a long time.
(Stretches himself)
Ouch, my back. The ground was probably a little hard. I think that a water bed would really be better for tonight. Ah, what am I talking about? What doesn’t kill us makes us harder. Anyone who wants to survive the outdoors has to be able to suffer. But what was so hard?
(Lifts his sleeping bag up and scratches around with his hands)
What is that then? It looks like a sawn off post. Let’s see. Maybe I will need it again. The others will certainly not have such great forward thinking.
(Packs his things)
So, now it’s off towards the base camp. The others are bound to have gotten lost. Let’s go.
Sign: After 5 hours walking around in circles.
SF: Well, I could swear that I have already been here once today. Right behind there is where I went to the toilet this morning.
(Points at toilet paper)
How practical – now I know exactly where I am.
(Pulls out the compass and places it on his watch)
I don’t understand. The compass must be knackered. Look now, it’s pointing upwards to north and now downwards again. The North Pole cannot move so quickly. Ach, I’m an idiot. First basic rule: „Do not place the compass on a magnet or near a magnetic object“. Mistakes can happen; at least none of the others saw it. The best idea is to tell the others that I had to get across a big river and had to build myself a rope bridge first. Something like that always takes time. I don’t take the easy route. So, let’s go and follow the direction NW.
Sign: After another 5 hour hike
SF: It’s slowly becoming dusk. Oh well, I’m bound to get there soon. ... Huh? Where am I now then? Beach, sea and a load of people. Shouldn’t the camp be in the middle of the woods?
(Goes along the beach and looks around confused)
A: Man, can’t you watch out? Can’t you see that we’re enjoying the sun here?
B: Who are you? You look somehow ... different.
A: Exactly, why are you wandering about on the beach here? Or have the holiday reps thought up a new gag?
SF: A holiday rep, me? I beg your pardon; I don’t exactly look like a rep.
B: Well have a look around. I don’t see anyone who looks like you. But have a look through your magnifying glass, maybe you’ll find someone...
SF: (Takes his magnifying glass and looks) I am actually looking for something quite different...
A: What are you looking for then? If you want something like a tea room or a soup kitchen, there’s nothing like that here.
SF: Why would I want a soup kitchen?
B: You country bumpkins are happy about every little thing you get for free.
SF: What? I am not a country bumpkin. I am on an outdoor survival course. I should have reached base camp long ago, but I think I’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere.
A: I think so too. But tell me…what is the big attraction in wandering around with pots and pans attached to you?
SF: (Starts to beam) Ach, you know what? It’s unique, being alone in the wilderness, no noise and nothing actually. It’s pure adventure – sleeping in the nature, without a tent of course and eating whatever you can find!
B: Yuck, beetles and worms.
SF: In fact, do you know how juicy snails are? Very tasty!
A: I can imagine, but I’d rather eat my three course meal in the hotel!
B: Snails, sleeping in the open, massive long hikes...and what do you get for it? I wouldn’t do it for fewer than 1000 dollars...if at all.
SF: That’s a good one. I don’t get paid for my holiday. I don’t know what you get for lying here in the sun, are you paid?
A: What? You call that a holiday? That is a complete nightmare!
SF: Ach rubbish, you just have to be well prepared.
B: That’s right, I can see that. You’re carrying a pile of things around with you: pots, sleeping bag, rope knife. What else do you need then? I see that you have a big rucksack there.
SF: (Removes the rucksack) Well I have a large roll of toilet paper here, that’s very important because you can make a rope from it in an emergency. Then I have a spade, also very important because the sleeping area should be well protected, and I have some soap for washing myself in a puddle. Then I have a folding canister here. I also have a personal keep sake from my last night under the stars. As I dug my bed I must have freed something from the ground.
(Slowly pulls out a bomb):
A: That looks a bit strange, that can’t be a....
SF: You’re right, why should I carry this post around with me? I’ll chuck it away.
(Throws the bomb)
A: Nnnooooo. That is a bomb.
(Catches the bomb spectacularly)
B: What, a bomb? Noooo.
(Jumps away and protects his head with his hands)
A: Everything’s OK. I’ve got it. Quiet, don’t panic. Don’t loose your nerve now. We’ll get through this together.
SF: My goodness, my goodness. I’ve been carrying around with me the whole time.
B: (From further away) What now?
SF: We have to detonate it. What have I got on me? burner, knife and rope – that’ll work.
(Wants to take the bomb again)
A: No way, fingers off. The fuse is still on it. It’s probably still live.
B: It can blow up at any time. (Jumps away again)
A: We only have one choice now – stay calm. I am going to place it down on the ground – very carefully.
SF: It can blow up at any time? Then we’ll have to be quicker than the bomb.
B: What are thinking? Have you defused a bomb before?
SF: No, but we haven’t got any choice.
(To A) We have to detonate the bomb before it unexpectedly goes off.
A: You are crazy; it’s probably all of those beetles and worms you’ve been eating.
(Gives a lighter to SF)
SF: Everyone down!
(Lights the fuse)
B: (From a distance) be careful.
A: Stop – wait a moment. I’ve just thought of something. On Mac Giver it was different; they sawed something off the bomb beforehand.
B: Sawn off? It’ll explode straight away!
A: But Mac Giver did it like that and he should know.
SF: Exactly, whatever this Mac Giver can do, I can too.
(Pulls out his knife and starts sawing away)
B: (Runs away) you are nuts! I don’t want to die.
SF: Ach, as a survival freak, I have stared death in the face so often that something like this cannot get to me.
(Saws and saws and the end falls off) You see, everything went well. Now I’ll just light the fuse and I can be on my way again. (Lights the fuse)
(A and B shake with fear.)
A: If this works…
(The bomb explodes and jelly sweets fly out)
SF: Now you’re amazed, eh? Of course I knew that it wasn’t a real bomb, otherwise I wouldn’t have detonated it myself. I just wanted to show you somehow that we outdoor types also know how to have fun and that we don’t just roll about in muck.

Author: Thomas Baberowski

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