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Grandpa Hubert goes on holiday

Sketch using the themes self worth/holiday/hope/…


Grandpa Hubert, female caller, male caller and grandson

Part 1

(Grandpa Hubert is sitting and reading a newspaper, the telephone rings)

Grandpa Hubert: Grandpa Hubert speaking, what's up then comrade...?
Female caller: Comrade? Umm, here is Xena Jukowitsch from the QDH travel agency. I would like to...
Grandpa Hubert: You want to con me, don't you? Even your name is suspicious.
Female caller: Suspicious? Well I only wanted to invite you, Mr umm...
Grandpa Hubert: Correct, my name is Grandpa Hubert, but you, you haven't even got a real name. Xena – if you were a man, would you be called xylophone or what? Grandpa Hubert has revealed his real name, now you have to say your real name as well.
Female caller: (Mumbles) I think I’ve got a right one here. For you, I can even be called Sieglinde, I couldn't care less.
Grandpa Hubert: You see, better isn't it? Just because old grandpa Hubert has a few centuries behind him, it certainly doesn't mean that grandpa Hubert doesn't notice when he's being conned. Good, my dear Sieglinde, then give me my message.
Female caller: And so... I would like to present you a few very interesting and especially, reasonably priced holidays. What you think? As a pensioner, you've got enough time, haven't you?
Grandpa Hubert: What, travelling? Grandpa Hubert hasn't been away since he was a prisoner of war.
Female caller: Then it's about time that you get out of your hut, isn't it?
Grandpa Hubert: Do you want to offend me? Grandpa Hubert's house has made it through the war and is built with my own hand from real clay bricks. Grandpa Hubert has even had a central heating system built in. So Grandpa Hubert does not want to hear his house referred to as a hut...
Female caller: So, I have three holiday destinations on offer - Turkey, Morocco and Sweden. Have you already been interested in travelling to one of these destinations?
Grandpa Hubert: Terrorists, deserts, wild elk – you only want me to die on holiday and stake a claim on my house, eh?
Female caller: Oh no, the STU travel agency is a seri...
Grandpa Hubert: What did you want to say, serious? It starts off with the company name. Do you believe that grandpa Hubert is so doddery that he wouldn't notice this con artistry?
Female caller: (Annoyed) I think I'm going mad here. What is wrong with the company name?
Grandpa Hubert: What, it's as clear as mud. The initials there QDH, they probably stand for „Quicker Death on Holiday “. But you can't get it past me. I notice more and more often how my 50 years in the dachshund club have improved my instinctive skills. Grandpa Hubert gets every badger and every con artist out of his building...
Female caller: You are completely out of your tree. You should take a visit to the psychiatric department. Why do I always get the nutters on the phone? (Hangs up)
Grandpa Hubert: What, why did she hang up? Grandpa Hubert can understand that she has shaky evidence. Con artists as far as the eye can see, but Grandpa Hubert is on the ball, ha ha. (Continues reading the newspaper.)

Part 2

Grandpa Hubert: Hmm Grandpa Hubert, maybe a holiday wouldn't be such a bad idea. Grandpa Hubert has himself some relaxation. Getting rid of con artists every day is a hard job. It is really annoying how these rascals can continue to con without being hindered. The police will notice how the criminality rate goes up rapidly.
(Dog barks)
Yes, Bozo, how could Grandpa Hubert forget a super tracker hound? You're becoming as attentive as a fox – but what is Grandpa Hubert talking about then? Yes, the dirty rascals which you have to bring to justice. Bozo protects our precious abode and simply bites the rascals in the leg. Attack the rogues and get them with this dynamite stick.
(Pulls bangers from his apron)
Grandpa Hubert has showed you how it works. You'll get a medal for every rascal. Ok, then Grandpa Hubert will find out where the modern grandpa goes on his holidays.
(Flicks through the telephone book)
Hm, Tui travels – what? TUI -Turmoil Under Infantry, it’s unbelievable that something like that is in the phone book.
(Flicks further)
And here... FTI travels – what should FTI stand for then? – Yes, it's obviously „Free-time Terrorists Import“ a bunch of con artists and here L –Tur
Tourism AG – well if that isn't the travel agency of the Al Q.
Ah, this sounds good – Hagen ´s travel agency on the pine hill. That's where Grandpa Hubert will call.

Part 3

Grandpa Hubert: Grandpa Hubert on the line – what have you got on offer for a holiday then?
Caller: What are your expectations then? Sun, snow, ocean, mountains, woods, city break?
Grandpa Hubert: Yeah, that's good. That's exactly where the grandpa wants to go!
Caller: (Confused) What, then? Where do you want to go? To the beach or into the mountains? Sun or snow? You'll have to decide.
Grandpa Hubert: What's up? Grandpa Hubert loves a bit of variety! Have you got a holiday or not?
Caller: (Confused) What are you thinking about? Well I don't know of any island with a city on it, which sits on a mountain, surrounded by woods with snow capped trees and where the sun, despite 30 degrees, does not manage to melt the snow. You see. That doesn't make any sense ...or do you know of such a place (laughs)?
Grandpa Hubert: What type of travel agency do you call yourself?! Grandpa Hubert asks the questions here. It's a wonder that your travel agency isn't bankrupt, if you don't have a suitable holiday to fulfil grandpa Hubert wishes. Everything is a con...
Caller: Wait a moment; maybe I do have a holiday which will impress you. But I will say, it’s usually a travel destination which is booked by the younger generation. For that reason, I don't really know if it's the right thing for you...
Grandpa Hubert: What are you thinking about, trying to make me out to be a doddery old codger. Grandpa Hubert is almost as fit as he was at 17. Well, almost.
Caller: Whatever you think. Please do excuse me. The holiday is called a „Extreme sport and Survival" journey.
Grandpa Hubert: Yeah, that sounds good. I didn't understand the last word but a bit of extreme sports is exactly what Grandpa Hubert needs. Yes, yes, you're gob smacked, eh? Grandpa Hubert has always done extreme sports. Ah, I could tell you some stories, for example: Not long ago, Grandpa Hubert was wandering through the woods at five in the morning on the trail of a group of criminals. That was without a break and without a stick. You're amazed, eh? This extreme sport tourism is a walk in the park for Grandpa Hubert. I'll take the trip!
Caller: Aaarre you sure? I think you have a different idea of extreme sport and survival.
Grandpa Hubert: Do you want to get at Grandpa Hubert? Forget it! If Grandpa Hubert says he's going on holiday, then he's going on holiday.

Part 4

(Sign - 2 weeks later)
Grandson: (Stands there and looks at his watch) Grandpa must be arriving soon. I am really excited to find out what his holiday was like: Grandpa and extreme sport? That is like chalk and cheese.
(Grandpa comes held up by a man: head bandaged, neck brace, leg in a splint, arm in plaster and various plasters)
Grandson: Oh no, Grandpa, what happened to you? Have you been robbed? It wasn’t quite the right thing for you, was it?
Grandpa Hubert: (Moans) Do you know what crazy things they did with Grandpa Hubert? They tied a rubber band to Grandpa Hubert’s leg and pushed him over a bridge. Then Grandpa Hubert got 2 boards tied to his feet and got pulled over the water. In a snow hall, I got one board tied to my feet. As Grandpa Hubert got to the bottom, Grandpa Hubert suddenly had two boards on his feet. Although the strange thing was, these two boards would have only been one complete one. Grandpa Hubert doesn’t know anything else. Only one thing! No more holidays.
Grandson: No more holidays? Just because this one didn’t suit you? I could have told you that beforehand. Why don’t you go on a cosy coach tour of the cafes like all other pensioners?
Grandpa Hubert: Coach tour, cafes? Far too dangerous. Loads of pensioners are probably delivered to hospital with severe burns from trying to drink tea while the bus goes round a corner. Grandpa Hubert is determined; no more holidays. Others can kill themselves on holiday. Grandpa Hubert’s hope for relaxation on holiday is gone forever.
Theme suggestion: Incorrect judgement of yourself, false hopes, not listening properly, being convinced and not accepting when your opinion might not be right.

Author: Thomas Baberowski

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